Big Macintosh's Unlucky Week
by SPB
Summary: (Based off of the shorts "James' Unlucky Day" and "Sir Topham Hatt's Unlucky Week" on YouTube, originally published on FimFiction). Big Macintosh wants to have a good day, but the universe just won't let him have that. What follows is a series of seven days of unfortunate bad luck from a variety of sources, all targeted at poor Big Macintosh.


(Day 1)

The sun rose over Sweet Apple Acres. Big Macintosh stepped outside and marveled at the early morning sunshine. It was another typical summer day.

"Ah, what a beautiful day." Big Macintosh said. He sniffed the air a little. "Smell that fresh air."

Suddenly Pinkie Pie appeared from seemingly nowhere. "Um hey there Big Macintosh you remember me right? I-it's me Pinkie Pie, you know one of Applejack's friends?" she nervously asked "I-I have a l-little gift for you you know sort of like an early birthday present or whatever you want call it. Now I uh I have to go read the Cutie Mark Crusaders a book bye!" she gave Big Macintosh a sticker and sped away as fast as her hooves could carry her.

"O.k. that was... interesting." Big Macintosh said, trying to process what had just happened. He looked at the sticker "Hm what's this?" he could make out a few words that had been written on it. He chuckled to himself. "Oh you have got to be kiding me. 'Kiss me I'm Equine'? Does Pinkie Pie seriously think I'm going to fall for this? I already know what she's planing, she wants me to slip this on and get kissed by the most unattractive mare in Ponyville. Nice try Pinkie Pie but you'll have to do better then that."

"Hey there Big Macintosh." Applejack said "What do you have there?"

"Oh it's nothing A.J." Big Macintosh said "Really."

"Oh come on Big Mac don't try to hide it." Applejack said "Let me see. I promise I won't laugh."

Big Macintosh showed her the sticker that Pinkie Pie had just given him.

"'Kiss me I'm Equine'? Well that was mighty nice of Pinkie Pie to give you that." Applejack said "Here let me put it on for ya."

"Wait! Applejack don't! Please!" Big Macintosh pleaded.

"Don't be like that Big Mac." Applejack said, pining the sticker on Big Macintosh's shoulder harness "There we go. Looks pretty good on ya. Now I'd better get to work, those apples ain't gonna buck themselves ya know." And Applejack set off for the apple fields.

Big Macintosh sighed "Well now that this is on I might as well make the most of it." he said to himself "Alright ladies, you know what that means. It's time for someone to kiss Big Macintosh. Come on you know you want to. Come on start lining up, I don't have all day after all. Come on, who's it gonna be? It's gotta be one of you. I mean it could be anypony-except for MAYOR MARE AAHHHHHHHHH!"

Mayor Mare came charging right up to Big Macintosh with hearts in her eyes. "Kiss me you fool." she said.

*Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By*

"And so the handsome Prince married the beautiful Princess. And they all lived happily ever after." Pinkie Pie said, putting down the book.

"Yay!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle cheered.

"I just have one question." Scootaloo said "Why does there always have to be a 'Happily Ever After'?"

"Well would you want it to be a sad ending?" Apple Bloom asked.

"If you want a sad ending I can bring something else next time." Pinkie Pie said.

"No no I don't mind it all." Scootaloo said "It's just couldn't there be a little something different?"

"I don't know." Pinkie Pie said "I'll see what I can find."

"PINKIE PIE!" Big Macintosh bellowed. Seconds later he appeared in the clubhouse covered in kiss marks.

"For the love of Celestia Big Macintosh!" Pinkie Pie gasped "What in the wide world of Equestria happened to your face?!"

"You and your silly little prank that's what!" Big Macintosh said "And because of that Pinkie Pie, I swear I'm going to make your life a living nightmare."

(Day 2)

Once again the sun rose over Sweet Apple Acres and Big Macintosh stepped outside, marveling at the early morning sunshine. He was determined not to let this day be ruined.

"Ah, what a beautiful day." Big Macintosh said, Sniffing the fresh air again.

"Tweet tweet." Big Macintosh looked up and saw a gaint bird perched on his head.

"Wow that's one big bird." he said to himself. Then a thought struck him "Oh no you don't. Get off me! Shoo, shoo!" The bird did just that. "I should probably get out of here. Just in case" Big Macintosh said, he did not want to risk the bird leaving him a little "present". Unfortunately he didn't pay attention to where he was going and he ran smack into an apple tree that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. "Where did that even come from?" he said to himself and fainted right on the spot.

Meanwhile in the nearby clubhouse Apple Bloom was talking to her fellow Crusaders Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo about her most recent solo attempt at earning her cutie mark. "So I planted a few seeds in the ground but nothing happened." she said "And my flank is still blank."

"Guess that means we can scratch Cutie Mark Crusaders Gardeners off the list of ideas." Scootaloo said.

"I guess so." Sweetie Belle said.

(Day 3)

Yet again the sun rose over Sweet Apple Acres and Big Macintosh marveled at the early morning sunshine. Two unlucky days in a row were most unusual but he wasn't going to let them get him down.

"Ah, what a beautiful day." Big Macintosh said, once again sniffing the fresh air.

Suddenly Big Macintosh saw something off in the distance. He rubbed his eys, just to make sure he wasn't seeing things. It was a gaint robot, with a huge cannon on its left arm and some sort of symbol painted in purple on its chest. "What's going on here?" Big Macintosh asked himself.

As if to answer his question several more robots appeared. Transforming from planes, cars, and all sorts of vehicles that Big Macintosh had never seen before. One detail that struck him as odd was that the robots seemed to be seperated into two groups. One group wore red symbols on their chests and the other one wore purple symbols on their chests.

"Let em have it guys!" a voice shouted out. Within seconds both sides began firing their blasters and cannons at each other. Almost like though they were waging a war.

Big Macintosh was speechless and didn't realize until too late that the two sides were coming closer to him and that he was about to caught in the crossfire. "Hey wait! I'm not the enemy! I'm not even a robot!"

His words apparently fell on deaf ears or whatever audio receptors the robots used as they continued to fire and continued to move.

Big Macintosh dropped to the ground as the ear splitting noise of all the weapons drew closer and closer. Suddenly one of the robots fired off a powerful blast that hit the ground right in front of Big Macintosh and sent him flying. He crashed landed in a vegetable patch that was being tended to by a purple earth pony with a yellow mane and tail.

"Are you alright?" the mare asked. Big Macintosh's reply was muffled due to his face being stuck in the dirt.

(Day 4)

Despite having three unlucky days in a row Big Macintosh was still convinced that today he would finally have a good day.

"Ah, what a beautiful day." Big Macintosh said as he yet again sniffed the fresh air.

"Did someone mention day? I hate the day time." a voice said. Big Macintosh couldn't make out who it belonged to but he could tell that the voice was female and that it was rather cold.

"As do I." another voice said. This one sounded much deeper but at the same time it sounded so emotionless.

"Who's there?" Big Macintosh asked.

"Do you not remember me?" the female voice said "Surely you remember the extended night?"

"And though you may not have heard of me I'm sure your sister told me all about you." the male voice said.

"No. It can't be." Big Macintosh said as he put two and two together.

"Oh but it is." the two voices said and made themselves known. One of them was the ghost of Nightmare Moon who looked a tad bit pale. She was an eerie white but you could still make out her dark blue mane and tail as well as her black armor. The other one was the ghost of King Sombra but aside from his face you wouldn't be able to tell because his whole body was obscured by dark shadows.

"N-Nightmare Moon? K-King Sombra?" Big Macintosh asked nervously.

"Ah so you recognize us." Nightmare Moon said.

"Then you know why we're here." King Sombra said.

"W-What do you w-want from m-me?" Big Macintosh asked. Trying not to show how scared he really was.

"We want revenge!" Nightmare Moon and King Sombra said.

"What did I ever do to you?" Big Macintosh asked "My sister Applejack's the one you want not me."

"We'll deal with Applejack after we deal with you." Nightmare Moon said.

"But why?" Big Macintosh asked.

"Because with you out of the way Applejack will be easy pickings." King Sombra said.

"You'll never take me alive!" Big Macintosh said and sped away as fast as he could.

"Go ahead and run." Nightmare Moon said.

"You can never escape us." King Sombra said.

"Like I'd believe you-aaaaaaaaaah!" Big Macintosh said as he fell down a well. Thankfully it wasn't very deep but it was deep enough to prevent him from climbing out.

"Should we go after him?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"Nah he can just stay there." King Sombra said "Now let's go find Applejack and teach her a lesson she'll never forget.

"Why does this keep happening to me?" Big Macintosh said to himself.

(Day 5)

Now Big Macintosh was starting to suspect something was up. Nervously he set hoof outside but this time he didn't marvel at the morning sunshine.

"Um-um what a beautiful day?" he said. He looked around for any sign of trouble.

Suddenly he heard a fierce roar that would've made any other pony turn tail and run away. "For crying out loud!" he said to himself "I knew Applejack was serious about those adventures with dragons!"

"And now it's time to pay the price for not beliving in me." The gaint blue dragon said.

"Oh come on couldn't someone else pay the price for once?" Big Macintosh said, trying not to cry "I've been paying the price all week. It's so unfair."

"Well life ain't fair." The dragon said.

"But I've believed in dragons since I was a little colt." Big Macintosh said,

"Too bad." The dragon said and torched Big Macintosh with his flame breath.

"Ow! Ow! The burning! The burning!" Big Macintosh said "Make it stop! Make it stop! I'll do anything I tell ya! Anything!"

"Yeah right." the dragon said and laughed as he continued to breath his firey breath on Big Macintosh.

"What do you want from me dragon?" Big Macintosh asked when the flames stopped "Whatever it is I'll do it."

"Did you ever hear _The Legend of The Headless Horse_?" The dragon asked.

"No!" Big Macintosh said "I don't believe those cheesy camp fire stories! They're just made up to scare other ponies!" This response caused the dragon to breath fire on Big Macintosh once again. By the time he had finished Big Macintosh's bright red coat was now charcoal black and Big Macintosh himself was covered in ash. "Did you want that medium or well done?" he asked and fainted right on the spot.

(Day 6)

"I just don't understand it." Big Macintosh said to himself in his room. The sun had already risen. "Every time I go outside. Say what a beautiful day it is. And even sniff the fresh air, something bad happens to me." Then suddeny an idea struck him "Wait a minute. Perhaps if I say the opposite then maybe nothing bad will happen. Yeah. I'll give it a try. But something tells me I'd better mean it."

Big Macintosh stepped hoof outside and said "Oh today is just a terrible, horrible, no good, really bad, stick in the mud, down in the dumps type of day." He looked around. There was no sign of trouble anywhere. " _It worked like a charm._ " he thought to himself.

Suddenly in the distance he heard a sound, almost like that of stomping hooves. He looked out towards the horizon and let out a scream. It was a stampede of cows and they were headed straight for them.

"I'm out of here!" Big Macintosh said and took off. Running as fast as his hooves could carry him. Every time he looked back he saw that the cows were still chasing him, almost as if though they were brainwashed or something along those lines. He rounded a bend and the cows did the same. "This is crazy." he said to himself. Then without warning he tripped over a rock and fell to the ground. He knew he wouldn't be able to get back up in time and resigned himself to his fate.

"Aaaaaaaah! Not okay! Ow! Ooch! Ooch! Ow! Ooch! Ooch! Ow! Ooch! Ooch! Cows! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Big Macintosh screamed as the cows ran right over him one after the other. Needless to say it hurt and by the end Big Macintosh felt extremly lucky to be alive. But then he noticed he was covered in a brown substance. "Oh please. Please let it be mud." he said to himself.

(Day 7)

"Oh man. It's just not fair." Big Macintosh said to himself, sobbing slightly. "Man now I know how Princess Celestia must've felt after she banished her sister to the moon all those years ago."

"Ah what's the matter Big Macintosh?" Granny Smith asked "What's got you acting all sappy?"

"Oh Granny." Big Macintosh said in between sniffles "All I ever wanted was to have a good day. Just one good day. But do I get one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

"Mind telling me what happened to ya?" Granny Smith asked.

"Of course not." Big Macintosh said "My life has been ruined by Mayor Mare's kisses, an apple tree that came out of nowhere, a bunch of transforming robots, two angry ghosts, a gaint fire breathing dragon, and I just got run over by a stampede of demon cows! And the worst part is I never did anything to deserve any of this."

"Well that is pretty rotten Big Mac but look on the bright side." Granny Smith said.

"What do you mean?" Big Macintosh asked.

"At least it can't get any worse." Granny Smith said.

"Oh Granny why did you have to say that?" Big Macintosh asked.

"What do you mean?" Granny Smith asked.

"Don't you know about Murphay's Law?" Big Macintosh said "Whenever you say stuff like what you just said things always get worse."

"Oh come on now Big Macintosh." Granny Smith said "Nothing could possibly be worse then what you've already been thr-" she stopped mid sentence and looked up. "Well it's been nice knowing ya Big Macintosh!" she said "Bye!" And she ran off.

"Wait! Granny! Come back!" Big Macintosh said but it was too late. A shadow had appeared over him and it was getting bigger by the second. Big Macintosh sighed "Ah man. It's been quite a week."

Seconds later a rainbow colored explosion appeared over Sweet Apple Acres. And yet everyone within a hundred miles could hear the scream of an enraged stallion. To this day the ponies of Ponyville have never heard a sound quite like it.

Meanwhile somewhere else Discord was chuckling to himself. "Oh man that was rich!" he said to no one in particular "I should do this again sometime. But who to target next?"


End file.
